this was part 3A of my personal april challenge... 1 & 2 had to do with submissions... as these dates approached, i began to wonder if this 'feel the fear and do it anyway' thing was working... but they came and went and i met the deadlines...
up until 24 hours ago (and my chest is pounding as i write about this) i was ready to write about this alter-ego of mine... who seems to take over now when i am presented with opportunities to try new things - she did/does not consult me, rather jumps in with both feet... then looks back at me and says 'this will be good for you, you'll see.'
almost in tears yesterday morning, i was not so sure she was right... you see, i had agreed to do a demo at the festival - part 3B of the april challenge... in january, the email came in - 'anyone who wishes to do a demo, please let so-and-so know with the title and topic of what you would like to do'... bam, the alter wrote right back to the co-ordinator... she didn't even ask me! i tried to put this in perspective, after all - some of you guys are teaching at bead fest, teaching regularly, at retreats, at big shows... i know this - i admire you for it and give you so much credit...
ok, so by now you know that facing fears is a big topic for me - and it is something i like to talk about because i know that lots of us feel that way... a piece of personal history - my mother tells me that the month before kindergarten started, i asked her if it was going to be too hard for me... if i was smart enough to do the work... and i asked the same question for many years... seems i still do...
i have begun to get comfortable sending in to publications because i don't see anyone's face... i still get the 'can i do this?' feeling about the idea and writing, but i am not at risk of stammering and shaking in front of a real live person...
now i had VOLUNTEERED to do this at a very busy festival... and guess what? they most kindly gave me a sunday time slot... actually, you were asked to give them 2 time slots and they would make the final selection... my alter picked sunday and tuesday... the festival very nicely gave me sunday - the busiest day... there is a fine line between being excited and terrified... i was not bordering on terrified, by friday i was - certifiably...
i knew i was going to have to create the components in all of the steps... that i would have to jump ahead 2 - 3 days in under 2 hours... so i busied myself with that part...
as i realized i couldn't even think about it without shaking (i get nervous reading to a classroom of kindergarteners if that puts this in perspective for you) i knew i would need a thorough outline... just to keep me moving along in case i got stuck...
got there, had about 16 -20 people in attendance - including emily, a very dear friend and a woman i met through etsy - and gulped... it helped immensely that they were interested and asked lots of questions... in truth, i got asked so many questions it felt more like a class than a demo... and i was grateful that the ice resin people have an 'ask the ice queen' place on their site... and then it happened, i was having fun...
i walked out of there on clouds - the coordinator asked how it went and i said, 'great!' not 'fine'... i hope someday to know enough to maybe do some teaching at classes... i still get nervous thinking about it... but i am grateful to this alter of mine who pushes me now... who is showing me that with the proper preparation, kindergarten is not too hard for me...
